Cold hands, warm shart.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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