my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My life is pants optional.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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