cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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