My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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