i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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