Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
