there's paper in my vomit.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
