the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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