Where are you?
In a non slutty way
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I am naked and annoyed.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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