I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You ruined the universe
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
