he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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