i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
