My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize