some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
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