you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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