I can text with my tongue
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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