Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
