The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize