My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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