I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
