worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
