remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
