I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
