my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
