between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize