Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
