someone threw a dead crab at me
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
