the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
