can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Randomize
