shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
