I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
