I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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