Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize