So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
