Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
