whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
