Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize