I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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