Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
