nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
i think my cat just said my name.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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