Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
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