We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
How drunk are you?
Completed.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
