Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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