On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
