Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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