OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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