He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
