Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
