We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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