So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
