i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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