Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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