Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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