i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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