Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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