The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
