If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
