So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
