She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
