Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
