He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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