This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
