I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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