party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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