I can text with my tongue
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
