Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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