You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
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