Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
