I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
